


What he deserves

by yogurtpo3



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Brotzly Week, Gen, Pararibulitis (Dirk Gently), todd is also sometimes an asshole, todd is an angst cookie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 01:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11243703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yogurtpo3/pseuds/yogurtpo3
Summary: Todd angsts about how much he doesn’t deserve Dirk in his life because he is an asshole.





	What he deserves

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Brotzly week day 5 prompt - Angst. Cross posting from tumblr to keep all my fics in one place.

“Todd, if you’re in there, you better open up right now, dammit!” Farah yelled through the apartment door, slamming her palms hard against it. Todd sat on the other side, hugging his knees, biting down hard on his sleeve as he tried to ignore the blood running from the deep cuts in his legs.

_It hurts… oh god, why does it hurt so much?_

“Todd… we know you’re in there,” Amanda’s voice joined in. “Stop being an asshole and open up!”

Amanda. He couldn’t let her see him like this, he couldn’t.

“Todd, Dirk is _missing_. We need to find him. He disappeared when he went outside the diner,” said Farah, her voice softer. Todd stifled a sob as another sharp spike pierced through his thigh, more blood gushing out from the wound. He was starting to feel shaky.

_Blood loss… he was going into shock… please god… make it stop…_

“We think the CIA have him. They’ve got the Rowdies too, Vogel and Amanda managed to get away. Come on, Todd, open up.”

Todd swallowed hard at her words… Blackwing. It had to be Blackwing. Blackwing had Dirk.

“Todd, if you don’t open this door in the next ten seconds I swear I’m going to kick it down and then kick your ass!”

Amanda again.

_Amanda is safe, at least she got away._

“Todd, Dirk _needs_ us. Dirk needs _you_.”

Yes, Dirk needed him. Who knows what Blackwing were doing to Dirk right now… Todd remembered when Dirk had told him about Blackwing… the way his usual smile had just vanished, the fear in his eyes…

Another sharp spike pierced through him, this time in his stomach. He couldn’t bite back the scream from his throat that followed.

“Todd? You are in there! Open the door, dammit!… Todd, this isn’t like last time, this time you know exactly who I am. This time you owe it to Dirk to help him,” Farah was shouting now, slamming her hand hard against his door again. Todd squeezed his eyes tightly shut, stifling another gasp of pain, the spike in his stomach driving deeper. Owe it to Dirk… yes, he did. Because he had promised Dirk that he was his friend. And before Dirk, Todd had merely been existing, working paycheck to paycheck in a job he hated for enough money so he could try to amend for all the lies he had told over the years, lies he had kept telling… and then Dirk had come into his life, and suddenly, he had a case to solve, and he had ended up saving Lydia Spring, and he had even summoned up the courage to tell Amanda the truth. And as much as that turned out badly, they could start moving forward. Except they can’t, because right now, there were spikes stabbing through him and he was losing too much blood and everything was turning blurry, and Dirk was missing… and without Dirk, Todd… Todd was just the asshole he and everyone who knew him knew him to be.

Muffled voices outside, no doubt Farah and Amanda deciding on what to do. Todd bit down hard on his sleeve again when another spike pierced his chest, his left lung collapsing, suffocating him.

_“Even you keep saying you’re not my friend. But since you’re the closest thing I have, I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop calling yourself an asshole.”_

Dirk’s words drifted through in the haze, somehow hurting more than all the spikes combined. Dirk didn’t ever think that Todd was an asshole. Dirk was probably the only person in the world that knew Todd, knew all his secrets, and still didn’t think he was an asshole…

“Todd, if you don’t open the door in the next 10 seconds, we’re leaving. And I never want to see you again. I mean it this time,” yelled Amanda through the door.

_“And I’m always all alone.”_

Dirk had said he was always all alone. But he didn’t deserve to be. Todd deserved to be all alone. He didn’t deserve his family after what he’d done. He didn’t deserve Farah. And he most definitely didn’t deserve Dirk Gently in his life. Todd coughed, blood spewing out of his mouth as he did so.

_This… this is what I deserve._

He couldn’t help Dirk, not the way he was now… not _broken_ like he was. Amanda… Amanda is brave. Todd isn’t brave. Todd is a coward. 

_Sorry Dirk… I really really hope Amanda and Farah can find you._

Todd closed his eyes again, letting the pain drown over him, barely registering the footsteps fading away down the hall outside.


End file.
